They Had Become Thoughts

August 2, 2010

Once upon a time I had only one idea in my head. I cannot tell you what it was. But I could tell you when it was. Chances are it was sometime after my Afterbirth. No one knew I had it because I didn’t tell anyone. I couldn’t. So They let it be and I embraced it as my one and only. It was my friend. My Imaginary Friend. Soon I grew up and had more and more Friends. In fact, by the age of walking I probably had hundreds of them if not more.

The more I grew, the more they started shaping themselves into groups. Members of group A would all have one or more thing in common that was distinct from the other groups. Same with group B, C all the way to Infinity And Beyond. Little cohorts of Imaginary friends. It was really nice at first because then we were all much more organized and articulate with each other within.

But then something happened and My Friends grew in number and their differences grew in number and they started fighting and fighting until I could take it no more and they could take it no more. Finally one day some of them said they wanted out. They wanted to communicate with other people from without. I was shocked at first, but not particularly sad. You see it was getting really crowded in there and though I loved them, I knew that they would be good friends to others. Just as they were to me. Afterall, not all of them were My Friends to begin with and look how happy those initial intruders came to make me (most of the time at least). Either way, just because they went out didn’t mean they couldn’t come back in. It just meant, they were no longer my responsibility alone.

Little by little I set them free. I introduced them to my parents and my siblings and my Real Friends. It was great fun because, as soon as I set one free, I would in turn almost immediately get introduced to a new one.

This lasted for a while but as I grew even more, I started to realize that some people didn’t really like my Friends. I thought it peculiar for a second because at the time I was so intimate and loyal to my own Friends that I couldn’t imagine other people not liking them. At any rate, my Friends had grown to be in the millions that I couldn’t stop them from leaving if I wanted to. Or so I thought. So I ignored Them. But then the glare of the eye became a curl of the lip and the silent disapproval became an audible one. I started crawling into a shell that wasn’t even my own. I was never the shell type to begin with. Not really.

Time went by and still I grew and the Shell grew with me. I came to call it my own and carried in it all my Friends. Except they stopped being my friends and reverted instead to a more hostile form of themselves. Most of them at least. They had become what they were. They had become Thoughts. Still as revered and glorified in my heart but also self-important and domineering. Much more unattainable. Inaccessible.

What happened was this.

Without noticing it, I had stopped freeing them. Had stopped sharing them with others because others had come to be mad not only at my Thoughts but at me as well. Not only did I unconsciously retain them, pretty soon I simply forgot how to let them go. So they started accumulating and accumulating till everything became hazy. They used to be pixels bringing each Friend or cohort into focus. The more, the better. And I gave them no way out so ‘more’ was the only way to go. And yet there must have been a threshold that I had crossed by accident because all of a sudden my head was just swarmed with pixels. They starting writing and rewriting on top of each other, procreating as they did until everything became fuzz. Like an untuned channel. Silent noise. My head was so heavy it drooped.

I got paralyzed and no one ever knew why. Some were baffled. Others felt sorry. And still others just couldn’t care less. It was for the best, for all they cared. Me and my Friends…pah! Well I had none no more. Or had so many, I couldn’t tell one from the other. Same end point. Potayto, Potahto. I couldn’t talk I couldn’t laugh I couldn’t even cry my thoughts consumed me so. Everything spilled inwards, until the thoughts were soiled with emotions and the fuzz became grime.

I drooped and I drooped until I could taste the filth. I let it take me in and lost myself for a while. When I came to, I was leaking. All over the place. Leaking thoughts. At first it was spasmodic. I would hurl out a word when I’m all alone, let it bounce across the barren walls. No chance of it being fertilized there. One word less to carry. Then words became phrases and soon I was unloading whole threads of thought until I was back.

Eyes once again glared, lips once again curled. Growls were heard, insults thrown. But what could I do? I have been contaminated by the poison of idle thoughts. I have seen what happens when I let my thoughts become my own enemy. And I never want to go there again, despite all the cruelty, ridicule and despair. At least now I can cry, if not laugh.

One Response to “They Had Become Thoughts”

  1. Yehia said

    Dina this beautiful though sad I would love to share friends or thoughts with you

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